Bipolar and Social Anxiety

Image by Wyoming Wolf Pack Press

I used to be an outgoing, extroverted person. As a kid I loved being the center of attention. I was the class clown and didn’t mind being the brunt of jokes. Over time, as I experienced life, I became an introvert. Introversion allows me to control my world and I am hardly ever disappointed. I don’t like to show my true colors anymore because I am misunderstood by others, and I know that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a social outcast or anything like that, I just prefer to be alone these days.

In February of 2016 I had a “mental breakdown”, so to speak, and it spiraled into the deepest depression of my life. For two weeks I was an emotional wreck and a zombie, unable to do anything but suffer in the darkness. Ever since I crawled out of that pit, my social anxiety peaked and now I go out of my way to avoid parties and public places. These aren’t social phobias, though. I’ll go to a party and into public places, but I just don’t like to anymore. I am quite comfortable at home.

This post isn’t about just social anxiety, however. Bipolar disorder and anxiety go together like peas and carrots. Anxiety is the third wheel between mania and depression. My hypomania tends to be dysphoric and anxiety is always along for the ride. When depressed, it seems that all I do is worry. It’s a lot of mental work to reduce my anxiety but I can’t help it sometimes, it’s always present. It’s not too difficult to see how this contributes to social anxiety.

I’m trying to work on it though. I’ve gone from sitting in my office every waking moment to spending more time with my daughter for the summer that she’s with me. I also got together with an old friend and we had dinner at my place. I’m making small steps forward. Anyone who has experienced a mental breakdown will tell you that these things take time. You aren’t fixed in a few days, you aren’t fixed in a few weeks or a few months. It can take years to recover from a breakdown. You change as a person and it’s obvious to you. You know for certain that you aren’t the same person that you once were before. Sure, nothing about you has changed, but your view becomes shattered, like broken eye glasses or a broken windshield. Then you spend months and years putting the pieces back together again, rebuilding it into a better formation than what it once was. It takes hard work.

When I’m symptomatic, I don’t like to be around other people. I isolate as a way to protect myself and to reduce stress. Even during stability, though, I find it hard to reach out and talk to a friend or a loved one. I feel like I’ve nothing to contribute or to say. That’s part of the reason for this blog, this is my way of reaching out without involving anyone specifically. I’m just a passive fly on the wall and anyone (you!) can take a look at me and then be on their way. So far this outlet has been healing; let’s hope it continues to blossom.

I’m not completely alone though. I am married. Me and my wife are very similar, we like being alone together and are comfortable by not involving ourselves in too many lives. It’s easier this way at the moment. Things may change in the future, but the future is always uncertain. I’m going to do what I think is necessary to keep my mental health up, even if it means I sacrifice a few relationships. Some would say that this approach is counterintuitive to the healing process and in general circumstances, I might agree.

It’s not like I want to be this way, though. I’d love to have the energy and confidence and quiet mind necessary to put myself out there, but it just isn’t me right now. Anxiety can be debilitating at worst, and a nuisance at best, and in my case it’s somewhere in the middle. For me, it’s all about “one day at a time,” and I try to adhere to that mantra. Have you ever seen What About Bob? Baby steps. Baby steps out the door. Baby steps into the car. Baby steps to the house. Baby steps through this episode. There’s a lot of merit in thinking this way.

Someday I’ll catch my social bug again, I just don’t know when. I’m not looking to rush the process. While I try not to make any promises, I can say my outlook looks good at this point. I don’t seem to be getting any worse so I’m making progress.

And that’s about all I can hope for and expect right now.

Do you have social anxiety or other mental health issue that you’d like to share? Please comment below and share your thoughts!

Be kind to yourself. Stay in the now. Find happiness where you can.

Until next time,

Jon